I am not entirely sure what this particular blog will be about, or why I am even writing it. Anyway, if anyone has been following what I have been doing on Facebook then you know that every day until I am back in the states I sing a song and then post it to my page. This last one, that was dedicated to my sister Lori, had a 10 minute intro. In the intro I briefly made a comment about how I personally do not believe in the feeling of love. We will now delve into why I do not believe in it as an emotion.
Like most romantic stories this one revolves around a girl. This girl is partly responsible for me being the way I am with not only romantic relationships, but just relationships in general. The next part is incredibly shallow of me, and I have regretted it numerous times throughout my life. She cheated on her boyfriend, who was one of my best friends of the time, with me. That was wrong. What was even worse was how she kept both of us stringing along. She played a game with our emotions, but I was at least smart enough to also play with hers by flirting with other girls. Now playing games of any sort be they mind or heart games it does not matter, they are wrong. She broke up with him, and then decided she wanted to be with me. Well it was summer time, so I was not interested anymore. My senior year of high school I decided I did not want to be alone, so around December I planned for her to come with me to a family dinner thing. After the dinner we decided to be together. I did it out of fear of being alone my senior year of high school. Now keep in mind that earlier in life I stopped caring about people's perception of me. I had no desire to do anything else that all the other kids were doing, like football games or prom or any other garbage that I deemed as nothing more than a social event.
I did go to prom, I went to football games because I got in for free, and I still avoided any other social event. Did not really want to go to prom, and I wish now that I had not wasted the 70 dollars for the tickets, the 25 bucks for dinner, the probably 10 bucks for gas, or the 75 cents I spent on a gas station condom that was not necessary. All this is getting to the culmination of why I believe what I believe. Like I originally said I dated her because I did not want to be lonely. While we were together I was with her. I do believe that when you are with someone then you should be with them. I also believe that they should be with you. This is where the formation of trust begins. I knew I could not truly trust her because she was already unfaithful once, but even though some people tried to say I did cheat on her I never did. I do believe that she did, and I don't care if she did. Now during our relationship there were two females that made themselves known in my life, and both of them I cared about a great deal, and I did briefly date one after me and the destroyer of my morality ended our facade.
The breakup. The breakup was a build up of about a couple weeks where she accused me of cheating, and I had to convince her I never did. She also spent her afternoons calling me, telling me she thought we should break up, hang up (which really irritates me), just so I could either call back or come see her just to convince her no we should stay together. I remember the day perfectly. It was the beginning of June on a nice Sunday morning. I was at work, and she came in with the people that went to the primary church of the town. I was not doing anything when she came in, and she walked up to the counter. I was not the one who had to say anything, she was, but all she did was just stand there. Suddenly I had to do my job, and all of a sudden that is when she wants to talk. I informed her that we will definitely talk later, now I am mad. I had already decided we were done. I got off work, went home, and got a couple of her things. Nothing that she gave me because this relationship was all about take take take...on her part. This is where I could have used more subtlety. I walked in, she was asleep in the den, so I walked in her room grabbed my class ring, walked out and woke her up. She acted as if nothing was wrong. I informed her that I returned something that was hers, and grabbed my ring. At this point here came the tears, and the mad dash out the back door towards the pond. Now the pond should not be important, but it kind of is. One time during our doomed relationship she made a comment that if I broke up with her she would drown herself in the pond. I can not have that on my conscience. 1) Killing yourself over another human being is stupid. That is not love, that is slight retardation. 2) I actually cared at that time about what people did with their life. I chased after her for 3 freakin hours trying to make sure she would not off herself in my name. During this time she threw herself at me saying she would sleep with me if it would keep us together, sadly it wouldn't. I didn't sleep with her either, I wanted to leave. After 3 hours at her house making sure I wasn't going to find out the next day she killed herself I went home. Felt great about myself too.
About 2 weeks passed and I started dating someone new, she was one of the sweetest girls I have ever known. We started dating it lasted 3 weeks due to the fact that I ended up going with the Destroyer one night in her new car. I was stupid thinking we could be civil with each other. Nope, I made the fatal mistake that killed my relationship with sweet girl. Kick myself all the time for it too. We tried getting back together, but I still could not trust her, and now I did not trust myself. Now I do on occasion talk to the Destryoer, and I have requested that we meet because now I can be civil, her I have no idea. Judging by the last couple times I tried to see her I would say...no.
Why has this made me afraid to love? Why did I let her make me so callused to the idea of one true love? Interestingly enough it has nothing to do with the fact that she was my first love, because she actually wasn't. She did however make me aware on how screwed up relationships are, and how little trust there is between people. Now I mentioned earlier that there were two sweet girls. I dated one, but I never said anything about the other. The other was where I almost cheated on the Destroyer, if she hadn't stopped us then I would have. I know I can trust her, and the best part is is now she has remerged into my life, and she is still one of the sweetest girls I have ever known. If I were to believe in one true love and the romance we see in movies then this would be a good indication that this girl is my destiny, and maybe she is I don't know.
Now we are all caught up with what labyrinth my love life was. I have given advice on love, and have been described as a hopeless romantic. I can be the 'hero' that the girls want in movies, and say they want in real life. I sadly can not make myself just commit to someone. I figure out ways to play games to find out how far I can push them. It is a sad thing I do that ends up hurting people. I don't want to do it, and I have learned how to control it to a degree. It is not fool proof, and I hope that someone can actually make me believe in love.
Okay, I do the songs out of love for the people. I believe that love is an action, it is something that you show. It can be something as simple as being there for a friend to something as difficult as telling someone you do not really know that you love them, which I have done. Every person that the songs are dedicated to are for someone that has been apart of my life, and has made a difference. Yes they are primarily women due to the fact that I do not sing love songs to dudes. Sorry, won't happen. I understand the feeling of telling people how you feel because you never know how long you got. I also understand what it means to put others needs above your own. That is part of a reason why I can not be in a relationship. I love everyone, and believe that no matter who it is if they have a problem I will do whatever I can to help them. My significant other might find it rude that I am willing to help others instead of paying attention to her as much as I should, but where I lack being able to tell friends no I make up with inventiveness.
I want to believe in one person that makes it all work for me. Someone who does not need to 'fixed', someone who knows what they want in life, someone who knows that it is not me that can make them happy, but that they are responsible for their own happiness. I am just there to share in the happiness. Who knows maybe now that I have been gone from most everyone I will find happiness for me.
Dexx Rector
